I have a permanent home. Please visit me at www.chezcrazy.org. I’m stilling hanging curtains and pictures, but it’s all mine.

So my supervisor handed me a self-evaluation form. Apparently it’s time for staff evaluations. I hate these for two main reasons.

1. I cannot judge myself accurately.

2. I cannot judge myself accurately.

Sometimes I’m very hard on myself. Every fault is magnified to the point that I can’t see anything else. Ask me if I’m punctual. Hm, there were those 3 times in the past year that I was 3 minutes late. Do I have a professional appearance? Well, I DO wear jeans at least once a week. And cooperation? I do have a hard time relating to coworker “Jane Doe”. Hm, maybe I’m not so hot.

But then there are those times when I think so highly of myself. Knowledge of work? Heck, yeah! I’m the go-to girl when the boss is gone! And initiative? Of COURSE I’m excellent! Remember that one time I volunteered for that extra project? And communication skills? Have you HEARD my phone calls lately? How awesome am I?!

So my review is tomorrow. We’ll see how accurately I’ve judged myself. I’m thinking, 25 out of a possible 33. I’ll let you know.

God has given my some opportunities to encounter a wide variety of people. Lately, it’s my coworkers.

These folks have, on several occasions, declared that they are Christians, love Jesus, go to church, read their Bible and pray regularly.

The other day I heard them say something that has lead me to some deep thinking and introspection. One said, “I love Jesus, but sometimes I tell him to look away because I’m about to do something He won’t like.” The other said, “Sometimes you gotta put your religion on the shelf for a little while, then pick it back up when you’re done doing what you want to do.”

For days I stewed over this comment. I was annoyed at them for being so blatantly hypocritical. I was frustrated that they displayed such a skewed understanding of the gospel. I was angry that they would abuse grace so harshly.

And then I heard this week’s message on LifeChurch.tv. Craig Groeschel talked about how we as Christians often do what we want to do even though we know it isn’t what Jesus wanted. He sited example after example of “little” things that aren’t really that little when you see them for what they really are. And every time we choose to do one of these “little” things, it’s like making an obscene gesture at Jesus while saying we love Him.

My heart was convicted. I could list a whole host of “little things” that definitely fit in the sin category. And I thought of my coworkers. At least they openly admit that they live this way. I talk a good game but sometimes I do the same thing – I put my “religion” on a shelf and do what I want for a while, though I’d never admit to it.

I am more geniunely aware of my need for Jesus now than I have been in years.  Save me from myself, Lord.

Here I sit. In my cubicle. Brown walls keep me from even seeing my coworkers. I hear phones ringing, fingers typing, papers rustling.

There’s one thing I don’t hear. But it’s not something that can be heard with ears. I don’t hear it with my heart.

I don’t hear life.

I work at this job out of necessity. In my family’s situation, it’s a reality that I need to be employed right now. But it is an effort to find joy in my work. I think this stems from the fact that I already had my dream job. For 6 glorious months I felt as though I had finally become my true self. And then, as a result of a budget crunch, it was gone. It’s like being cured of blindness but only for a few moments. Before, I didn’t know what I was missing. Now I do.

For almost a year now I have lived in this cubicle. I’m still listening for life, hoping it can be found in within these brown walls.

I’m made for something different, something more. But I’m learning that sometimes God puts us in holding patterns for a while until our circumstances can align with our purpose. In the meantime, I will trust God and try to be faithful in the little things. This student’s transcript, that instructor’s class roll. Maybe life is in these things, too. Maybe it’s just quieter.

About 2 months ago my friend Blair said to me, “Are you on Twitter? You need to be on Twitter.” I had a long-dormant Twitter account, so I dusted it off, remembered the password, and started following folks I knew. Then I started following people THOSE people followed. (Are you following so far?)

Then Blair told Paul and I about Carlos Whittaker, who does all sorts of imaginative, creative stuff at Buckhead Church in Atlanta. So I found him and followed him. I started seeing just how big this whole Twitter thing really is.

On Christmas Eve day, I was hanging out on Twitter, seeing what everyone was doing in their last minute rush to prepare for the holiday. That’s when I saw a “tweet” from @loswhit. “You Have To See This!!! LifeChurch.tv Internet Campus. Come join me in this LIVE event. Amazing http://live.lifechurch.tv.”

Having never been one to ignore something that sounds that interesting, I clicked on the link. What I saw next was stunning. The worship, the message, live chat with the rest of the congregation, the opportunity for live prayer via chat with a real person. All of it.

I came back again at the next “live experience” at LifeChurch.tv. And again. And again. I started checking in on Saturday nights, Sunday afternoons, and Tuesday nights. And I found out something extraordinary. Community exists online. Of course, I already knew this. I’ve been an active member of virtual worlds before, and I even met my husband in a chat room.

The extraordinary thing was how quickly I felt like a real part of what was going on. I quickly became a “regular” and now have friends from this online church who live all over the country. Paul and I are in a small group that meets exclusively online. I”m also part of a similar women’s group.

Last night was the first time I volunteered to help be part of the “team” for the experience. I didn’t really do anything very different from what I had already been doing. I was just being friendly and supportive to those coming to encounter God through this experience. But I felt like I had come full-circle. I was now helping people engage in the same thing that had stirred me so powerfully just 6 weeks earlier. I was helping people find God and find life.

I feel like more changes are on the horizon. This church has become a second church home for us. We are in prayer about how we can become more involved. We are experiencing authentic community and LIFE – online!

If it hadn’t been for Twitter I’d have no idea what I’d have missed.

I wrote this 2 years ago. In many ways it still fits.

To Let Me Out

The pain ebbs and flows
Like the tide but never goes away
All the way

I can’t get a grip, shut my lips,
My heart as touchy as
My fingertips

I’ve felt stuck in the muck and mire
And I’m tired of the fight to
Get my head right,
Understand who I am and who I’m not
And what’s what.

How ironic that I blame
The same One who
Came to free me from
Shame
So I could finally change.

I’ve got a choice,
Raise my voice
Give it up and then rejoice
Because if I let him, He
Can set me free
And let me see
Who He made me to be.

I now avow
To allow Him
To remove my sacred cow,
My right to hurt, to avert
The healing He wants to exert.

I must
Let Him in
To let me out.

• Pandora - A “mix your own radio station” site. LOVE IT.
• Imagination Movers - Cool American band for kids with a show on Playhouse Disney. Going to see them in concert Feb 7. WOOHOO!
• Twitter – Cool micro-blogging site that sends status updates in quick bursts.
• One Sentence – It’s amazing the stories that can be told in one sentence.
• LifeChurch.tv – Authentic Christian community via online church. Not as cooky as it sounds, I promise.

That’s just a smattering of the stuff we’ve come to like around our house in the past few months.

So, how about you? What cool stuff have you discovered that you’d like to share?

I broke up with my old blog. I was convinced (largely by Human3rror) to consider moving from Blogger to WordPress because of a new easy conversion tool. After much consternation, I think I finally got everything moved over…except for my comments on Intense Debate. (Yeah, I’m gonna work on that too…at some point. I’m not quite as astute as the great H3.)

Hope you like my new home!

Isolation is a form of punishment. It’s used in our corrections facilities all over the world. “Solitary confinement,” we call it. Remove all human contact. It’s not really just punishment, it’s torture.

There’s a different kind of isolation. A person can be in a room full of people and still be completely alone. It’s just as torturous.

Sometimes we do it to ourselves. We wall off our hearts, keeping others at a distance. This is supposed to protect us from possible hurt inflicted by others, but it doesn’t. We blame others for our isolation. Our hard-shelled hearts whither inside.

Sometimes we are relegated to isolation by those around us. Plans are made that don’t include us. Friendly chatter stops when we walk by. And our souls ache at the exclusion.

I am finally coming out of my own wall. While I use caution when sharing with some people about some topics, I am gradually letting the shell fall away from my heart. God is opening me up.

At the same time, I find myself being shut out of certain situations. It’s terribly painful to be in a room full of people and be purposefully excluded from conversation. This is the kind of thing that tempts me to rebuild my wall, to fortify it. “You don’t want me? Fine, then I don’t want you either.” When my efforts to engage go completely unanswered, I feel no motivation to continue trying. I don’t want to intentionally open myself up to that kind of pain.

God is here with me, behind the wall built by someone other than myself. I’m waiting for Him to show me what to do with it.

So. When you’re hidden by a wall of your own making or of others’, how do you respond?

I’m already 37 years old. Technically I’m fast approaching the dreaded “middle aged” phase of life.